Slackers (safe for DA version)

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Kimber Skylow and Jena ‘Laera’ Cross of Explorations Inc. get very naughty indeed…!

“I’m a driver, I’m a winner…

Things are gonna change, I can feel it…!”

Beck Hansen, ‘Loser’

In a time long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, it is an era of great strife.  The plucky Systems Alliance battle against the decaying, tyrannical Imperium of Man, while the ‘scum and villainy' of the Shadow Collective wait to pounce and take advantage of either side that falters.  And the mighty Jedi triumphantly return after decades of exile…! But, um, they turn out to be complete assholes. Oh well. 

Against this backdrop of galactic war, great heroes and terrible villains will surely arise.  What role will YOU play in the greatest conflict in history?

If the answer to that question is ‘take lots of drugs, get naked and generally misbehave’, then congratulations – you came to the right place.  Meet ‘Explorations, Inc.’, ostensibly a Czerka-based team of explorers trying to film a HoloVid adventure series, but essentially consisting of two drunk women making a public nuisance of themselves.  

What if ‘Star Wars’ was not about sweeping conflict, lofty concepts and the thin line between heroes and villains? What if it was about a teenage stoner and her rich, slacker girlfriend having a mid-life crisis? Thanks to Fantasy Flight’s ‘Edge of the Empire’ game, we can now answer that important question.  What if you just said ‘fuck it!’ to the Galactic Civil War? What if you just stumbled through various misadventures in a semi-naked, drug-fuelled haze? What if you didn’t have any lofty goals, but just wanted to get high, get drunk and get laid? And maybe achieve some infamy and dubious fortune in the process?

“Oh, right…! The Gold Coast? I remember.. I think…! It was the second series of ‘Sexy Female Treasure Hunter’, wasn’t it…? Kimmy…? Anyone…? Anyway, my girl just started freestyling, this kriffing crazy rhyming song that had all these odd references and didn’t really make any sense… But it sort of made sense… in my head, anyhow.  Did I ever tell you we do lots of spice?”

Jena ‘Laera’ Cross

“In the time of Galactic Civil War, I was a junkie

Spice in my veins like a Kowakian lizard-monkey

With the scum and villainy always trying to finger me

Things are looking ugly, like gamorreans in lingerie

They say to pick a side but I wanna stay neutral

Like a pod-racer flaming with the brat on the cruise-control

The squid guy warns us that ‘it’s a trap!’

But Jen’s got a new ship and we make out in the back

Someone keeps saying I’m insane to complain it’s hard

When Alderaan is blown up and reduced to ‘The Graveyard’

And then you get stuck on a distant asteroid

You get a parking violation and a mynock on your droid

I shaved my legs with a lightsabre fetish

Lose a few limbs and fix up with cybernetics

Yo… slice it…!

Klaatu Barada Nikto!

I’m a gungan, baby…

So why don’t you kill me?

Klaatu Barada Nikto!

I’m an ewok, baby…

So why don’t you shoot me?

The ‘forces of evil’ turn out nicer than the Jedi

Enslaving Dathomir with the Sith and the dead-eye

Old Ben’s got a space weasel, fluffy in his bed

The Empire’s in the black, the Alliance in the red

Annoying little brat gets burned in the lava

Dresses up in black and says ‘I am your father!’

Off to Chalmun’s cantina to slake my thirst

There’s a bounty hunter there but the smuggler shoots first

The twi’lek dancer strangled Jabba with her g-string

Fed his body to the sarlaac, flew away on an X-wing

I can’t feel free with the Black Sun thugs

Trade the credits for the spice, for the liquor, for the drugs

And my time is an exploding Death Star

Falling upon Endor…

… which is burning up the nub-nubs..!”

(The above is sung – and I have sung it!  to the tune of Beck’s classic slacker anthem, ‘Loser’, and contains lots of  Star Wars references, from ‘Han Shot First’ to the ‘Endor Holocaust’… and has both canon and non-canon references for us, seeing as how stuff like Darth Vader doesn’t even exist in our version! I have the honour to play with some very funny, creative people!)

Laera Cross is the creation of one of my best RPG buddies – he lives abroad so can’t often get together with the regular groups, so I created a GM NPC to be his sidekick, and Kimmy was born. They sometimes cross over with the regular groups, but for the most part, they do solo stuff with a dramatically different theme. Laera went through various changes over the last two years, from the Lara Croft expy she was designed to be, to the sneering upper-class bitch she developed into. Even better, my friend was so amused by my portrayal of cheerful stoner Kimmy, that he decided Jena would fall in love with her completely, and start letting herself go. So she became a kind of middle-aged poor-little-rich-kid slacker, growing older disgracefully and relishing her bad behaviour. Czerka were initially worried by her apparent disintegration into a destructive lifestyle… until they realised that audiences loved her new persona, with the slurred speech and spiced-up-to-the-eyeballs stare.  Combined with Kimber’s genial commentary and utterly incompetent camera work, and their total inability to keep a droid helper alive, the ratings of the show quickly shot up.  Now a cult classic, ‘Explorations, Inc.’ showcases genuine fringe adventures with the kind of louche behaviour you wouldn’t expect from a middle-aged aristocrat…

(When I admitted that I based some of Kimmy’s persona on Alice, the homeless girl I try to counsel – although Kimmy is nowhere near as badly fucked-up as she is – my friend admitted he’d based some of Jena’s personality on me … Or at least, the way he thinks I’d like to be if I let my hair down. I took it as a compliment. I think. )

“Oh yes, I remember Alderaani Day!  It was the happiest day of my life!  We dressed up in these cute cheerleader outfits and crashed the big party held to commemorate that terrible event.  We did this cute little slow-motion dance, and then we got bored and took off the outfits and started making out.  Jen drank far too much and peed on the flowers. Then they threw us out.  But I mean, Jen is Alderaani aristocracy, you know?  She got mad at them and I learned a lot of new swear words. Then she was sick on my shoes.  I was _so proud_ of her!!”

Kimber Skylow